So far away

When the world has passed me by
I'll sit around and wonder why
You weren't always there for me

Since the new year has started I've had a lot of exciting thing happen to me. I've met a friend I've only talked to online for the past 12 years in person. I met up with this super cool band from England twice for coffee and lunch. I also bought the lead singers first electric guitar. I will cherish it for as long as I live. Even through all that….. I'm finding myself harder and harder to even get out of bed when I wake. I feel unmotivated and uninterested in anything. Things I've had a passion for don't make me feel anything. I've even tried making plans to organize my room or get parts I need for my car and put that together. But on the day I plan to do these things I just couldn't do it. I would stay in bed all day and be in and out of sleep.

I feel a ton of emotions and I can't make sense of what I'm feeling or how I'm supposed to react.

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Let love lead the way

Without love…. life and money are meaningless. 

I’ve been alone for a very long time. Even when I thought I was with “the one” I felt empty. Alone….. Feeling alone in a room surrounded by a sea of people… I feel sad.. I don’t know why I’ve always felt this way. I even thought I would be happy with someone who expressed that wanted to be with me. I gave that a shot…. and of course she just played me…

I’ve had a lot of disappointments in love….. and actually disappointments have had a longer shelf life then the feeling of being wanted by someone.  Now I don’t really know what being in love feels like but I remember once I woke up on my own with out the assistance of an alarm, feeling well rested and ready to seize the day. But that only happened once in my 34 years… I hope something changes….

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This Fire Burns….. Always

These days I feel like nothing excites me. The kind of feeling you get when you’re a kid comeing home from the toy store with a new toy in anticipation to get home and play with the new toy…. 

I tried this yesterday. Not with a kids toy but I guess with a more adult one and no a non sexual adult toy but an electric guitar. One of my newly discovered favorite bands launched a pledge music campaign and I saw one item they were offering at an incredibly reasonable price. Apparently it was used to record one of their songs “Gold Dust” and featured in one of their music videos. The band is called “Sykes” and they were introduced to me by one of my good friends Adrianna. So I ended up buying 4 things out of this campaign, one was the guitar and the other was for them to record a cover of your choice in their style. I was thinking they could do an Alexz Johnson song.

So we’ll see if this gets me excited like a child. I recently have been interested in doing leather work. I see all these people online making a pretty good profit on them. The work looks like something I’m capable of doing. So I bought some leather and some tools and in going to try and leather my replica belts.

So far this is what I’ve done….. I think it’s coming out well. We’ll see if I do well enough to make a side business of it.

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Don’t Dream… It’s Over

This new year has been dull thus far. But. An entertainer by the name of Layla Kayleigh has written a one woman show about her life growing up, being homeless dealing with hate and making it in America. She will be performing this for 5 weeks… I plan on attending the first show. 

I have been a fan of hers since I saw her on G4 television way back in 2006. It’s been 10 years I have followed her career and this will be the first time I would get to meet her. She has sent me a signed picture and a lovely note for my birthday the first year and it was just the sweetest thing. Funny because it was on MySpace that I contacted her….. and with all the fake profiles at the time I took a chance and I was right. 

I told her I bought tickets and I’m going to attend. She says she remembers me and seems excited lol…. true or not i was happy to even get a response. Over the years I’ve gotten likes from her in Instagram but the funny thing is she doesn’t even follow me. Hey I’m not complaining. I’m flattered. 

So this is a good break from all the death I’ve been experiencing all around me. We’ll see.

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When I see you standing there, Watching over me, And all I can do is try, when I see you standing there, I’m all I’ll ever be, and all I can do is try.
I know I don’t really have an audience here. As I lay in bed trying to get my mind and body to fall asleep. I think. There for I am or try to be, anything but me. But how can that be? If I wasn’t me would I really be free? 

I feel like I’m at a point in my life where something needs to change. But I’m stuck. And as I look around I don’t see any open roads. It’s getting dark. Darker then the last few times. People I know are dieing all around me. I feel like I can’t trust upon the friendships I’ve made. The roads are getting narrow and far to familiar….. I’ve been down this path….. I’m stuck…. there never really were any hands reaching out to help. I don’t think I ever really got off of this path. I feel I dreamt that I made it out and for a while I really believed I was out but some how was stuck all along and just awoken from that to the reality that I’m stuck on a path going nowhere. I’m alone. I stay.

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As I work into the new year you realize you don’t see some of the people who would usually come around. Despite whatever the person is going through whenever they came around they always had this positive energy the rubbed off on you even if you were having a bad day, even if it was just having them come around you and just telling you that it was nice to see you…..  

Today I was told that A good friend of mine passed away on New Year’s Eve. Even though it was only through work that I got to see this man, I was more than proud to call him a friend. We had music in common. We were supposed to record together at some point but unfortunately he has succumb to his cancer.

When I first met him he was in the stages leading up to him being cleared of the cancer that plagued his head only to be put under the knife once again. I’ve seen him bandaged up, prodded, and carry around all these machines just to keep on going. I always praised him for keeping such a highly positive and loving demeanor amongst all this going on. I’ve always believed what you put out there in the universe comes back to you 10 fold. But it’s cancer that moves your belief.

Back in 2005 I was about to get off of work when I was over come by this feeling I’ve never felt before… I felt scared and dizzy. I went home thinking I had a virus of some sort. This would follow me on hard for the next 7 years with it not being as bad but still suffer with some of those effects still. To this day no one was able to give me an answer to what happens to me….. when it happened I was looking for answers and saw all the specialists in the Bay Area just to have them tell me they couldn’t figure it out… at the time I was thinking it was cancer…..

This whole thing just hits so close to home with me. So far I’ve lost three customers that I know of who were just really nice to be around and I feel like I’m wasting time that so many others just ran out of. This sucks. Goodbye my friends… I know you’re gone but I can still feel you here…. goodbye Craig “Bonzo” Bonner I’ll see you again some day.

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Confidence. Confidence. Confidence. What’s the big deal? Why do we close ourselves off to people. Why don’t we speak our mind? If it’s a group of people why does our confidence lack even more? Do we want to impress these people? Maybe…. do we want them to like is? Sure who doesn’t… we spend so much of our lives hiding away in our shells and for what? To miss opportunities? 

What I’m proposing is to…. within reason… speak your mind…. the more you don’t know them the better…. why? Cause you probably will never have to see them again. Open up…. put yourself out there. And if you don’t make a fool of yourself then hey you’ve made a friend.

Attraction. People these days aren’t drawn to Or attracted by substance. People today would just look at someone and based on exterior looks or a certain skillset they would fuck this person. Why is this? I’ve always believed in how we would interact with each other and that would be the basics of attraction. Say you just get attracted to a pretty face or a skill set like they know how to play guitar or drums… okay. But can you stand to be with this person all hours of the day if that all that attracted you in the first place? If that’s all they are could you force yourself to believe it’s more than that? I find that most people do this these days and after try to find something to connect with and when they don’t they fabricate something on why it didn’t work out.

I believe there has to be a little bit of a physical attraction… yes to start things off but you can’t put all your weight on that. You have to find substance. You can’t just have a relationship based on “oh they’re hot” and “they play in a band”. People say opposites attract but I’ve never believed in that… I was never attracted to a stupid person.


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